@Reverend_Scott: Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.
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@secondofhername: What is the difference between a girl and a pool table? You have a shot with a pool table.
@bobvulfov: [after an accident on the ski slope] ME: did i nail the triple backflip PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
@imadepoopstoday: Bring brownies to work. Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, "you feelin anything yet?"
@mejustbeth: Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though. She's really good at that.