@bourgeoisalien: Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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@ruinedpicnic: [checks window] [locks door] [starts to tweet] shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
@mydmac: (At the dentist) 'Your grinding isn't good.' Excuse me! I've never had a man complain before.
@Gre_Gone: [Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor] Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself. Wife: Me: Will you ki Wife: I'm not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
@iwearaonesie: if you want your wife to take you seriously, don't throw your sippy cup during an argument