@bourgeoisalien: Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@novicefather: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
@shariv67: They said I'd have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I'm REALLY into frogs.
@kelkulus: My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone's unattended Facebook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?"