@bourgeoisalien: Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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@JMFnSparks: The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
@thetigersez: My brother's girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana's ashes, this is the best night of my life
@BrattyBarbie: Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.