Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
It鈥檚 like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she鈥檚 narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
LA today:
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 馃檪
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 馃檪
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you鈥檙e looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn鈥檛 possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”