Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.