sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.