Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
shampoo implies shampee
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears