@shahnischmani: Sometimes I feel awkward cause I don't quite know what to do with all my limbs, but then I imagine if I was an octopus and I feel better.
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@BigBagOfScum: Waiter, "Welcome to red lobster, I'm your seafood expert." me- "did you know octopuses have a beak?" W-"no" Me- "who's the expert now?"
@1CarParade: If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You need a kidney transplant. Me: A transplant? Dr: Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried. Me:
@ohpeetie: 10: What's it like being a grown up? Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn. 10: This is only $2 M: Exactly