We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.