Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.