Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Going into Monday like
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…