oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
You Might Also Like
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
everyone’s a critic