sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Roses are red
Violets are blue
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.