sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no