Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.