Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it