Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
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Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”