Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
No Google it does not
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?