Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.