Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.