OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.