If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
How times have changed.