[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*