[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.