@JosesLovesYou: Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria's Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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@MaraWilson: High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
@TheDairylandDon: Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
@joshgondelman: I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail.
@p_net: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I'm behind the wheel. Did anyone die?