Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
found this cool rock hiking today
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”