@MyPornKhan: Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, "Thank god I'll be dead by the time you grow up."
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@simoncholland: [sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*
@ThaJawn: Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
@3sunzzz: My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".