Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
August 8
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”