Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
This pepper has seen some shit
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”