Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive