Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
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In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
checking out some reviews of my local library
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”