@IamEveryDayPpl: Sometimes I pretend I'm picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
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@Reverend_Scott: MARY JANE: daddy, what's my name from? ME: it's from the comic Spider-Man 420BLAZEIT: and mine? ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
@ArfMeasures: [being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
@DaddyJew: Me: I'm gonna be late Boss: why? Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I'm solving a mystery
@UncleDuke1969: [mall] Me: That guy looks SO familiar! Wife: … M: Maybe an actor? Musician? W: … M: I’ll get an autograph! W: He’s our mailman, moron.