Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)