“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)