@Elizasoul80: Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I'll cut their legs off too.
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@ComedicBust: *First Date* Her: Hobbies? *thinks about the 50,000 piece Lego Death Star I'm building* Me: Architecture and Astronomy. Her: Impressive.
@WhatevaConc: A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
@ceejoyner: Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
@AnkCoupleTO: Her: I'm pregnant Me: WHAT? H: Just kidding M: You scared me half to death H: My mom is coming to stay with us M: *the other half dies*