Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
S O O N
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same