Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I can also cook 😂
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.