sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.