sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead