@heartbread: sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i'm like "cool"
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@Jeff_G_Nixon: "Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!" CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.
@RdrJay47: [Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick] Hi, you left your number on my car. Who's going to clean this?
@stephenjmolloy: Me: What's the wifi password? Barman: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Barman: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Barman: £3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.