sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
You Might Also Like
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
those birds must be on payroll
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.