In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If only
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.