@meganamram: Sometimes I sit on my hand till it's numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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@sickipediabot: When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold. When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.
@weinerdog4life: We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
@robcorddry: Batman's an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
@renesosa12: Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.