@meganamram: Sometimes I sit on my hand till it's numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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@HappyHijabbi: *Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?
@ArfMeasures: [after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
@paperphotoyo: My neighbor can't understand why he just found human shit on his front porch. I can't understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
@jsteele3966: People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text "LOL" should be punched in the neck. Your not fooling anybody. You weren't LOLing that long.