Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.