Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.