@afloodofblood: Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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@Tylerosis: There's only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
@VeganZebra: *tattoo parlor* ARTIST: What do you want? ME: Surprise me *He tattoos the word 'hiccup'* ME: Why did y- ARTIST: BOO! *the tattoo disappears*
@bingowings14: [creating the Octopus] Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit? God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
@jazmasta: "Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner" "Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?" [long silence] [hears faint sirens in the distance]