@afloodofblood: Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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@HeyZeus666: Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
@WeissBrandon: Cop: do you know why I was following you? Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me? Cop:haha Me:haha Cop... Me... Is it cause of the drugs?
@Rollmaninoz: [pet store] Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
@Molly_Kats: A Victoria's Secret commercial will always come on when you're elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.