Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.