@afloodofblood: Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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@rebrafsim: [thrift store] Me: I'd like one thrift, please Cashier: sir, we sell used- Me: money is no object C: we don't- M: I need a thrift
@wife3kidsnodogs: How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
@shutupmikeginn: Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend. Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful
@kumailn: 7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them. 8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.