Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The honesty is refreshing
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.