Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk