I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.