Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
*pokes sex life with a stick
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!