@That1chk: Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.
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@BillWeirCNN: Say one positive thing about your opponent Well...he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
@Shanehasabeard: "Your résumé says you've been to prison?" Me: Sorry, that's a mistake "So you haven't?" Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there
@OfficialMizGin: Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend? Me: No, it’s for me. Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.