The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM