Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
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A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in