Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.