Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Do not steal food from the science building!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..