She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.