Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
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guilty
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
this is the news I live for
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.