@charstarlene: Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
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@DraggingFeeties: All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
@TheMichaelRock: The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.