Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Employees must applaud the planets.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”