Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
What number SPF blocks people?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas