@TheMainlandBlog: Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
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@mrnickharvey: Son: What are caterpillars afraid of? Me: It's unlikely that they experience fear. They're not self-aware, so... Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
@LifeStricken: [Job Interview] HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness? Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath "I can't forgive people"
@I_Mee_Myself_: My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying I swear to god...