<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison