They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
You Might Also Like
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”